At Least You Have A Story For The Blog

See this poorly framed picture?

This, my friends, is a tall, cold, frothy glass of Guinness Stout.  It is my reward for not going batshit crazy today.  And it is the best cold Stout you’ve ever tasted.

What?  You ask why my day has been so trying?  Well, let me just tell you.

1.  Oona was up all night being fussy and unhappy.  I got very little sleep.  Then she was up and wide awake bright and early.  I nearly fell over from exhaustion trying to get to the coffee maker.

2.  While holding the baby and the coffee in my grogginess I misjudged her ability to inflict damage with her new teeth.  I now have a giant angry bloody red gash between my thumbnail and knuckle.  And it hurts.

3.  While I had the baby on my lap she made one little grunt and shot poop out the side of her diaper, into my lap, all down my leg, all over the couch and onto the carpet.  And it stained.

4.  She screamed the whole time I cleaned her up and the whole time I showered.

5.  The vet let me know I’ll have to dissect and carefully inspect all of the dog’s poops until she passes whatever she swallowed.  And it cost $350 to find that out.

6.  Fussy baby won’t sit still, nap, or let me put her down.

7.  On the way home from the vet, the dog did a huge pee on the van’s backseat.  A huge, 10 gallon stinky pee.  We had to smell it all the way home……along with the fresh poo in Oona’s diaper.

8.  I had to thoroughly steam clean said van.  Stupid crappy cloth seats.

And at the end of it all, Maddie had sage advice for me:

“At least you have a story for the blog”.

Dog Eats “Something Big & Icky”; Child, 4, Denies Involvement

An Undated Image of the Offender

Pippa the Dog, a 2 year old golden retriever / Llewellyn setter mix is awaiting treatment after consuming what appears to be a stuffed animal.  Three underage witnesses described the object as “vaguely sock – like”,  “chunky barf with a flower mixed in”, and “gross”.  The offender apparently ate the as yet unidentified object in secrecy at some point in the last few days and regurgitated the item under the dining room table.  Before authorities arrived on the scene the object was re-consumed.  Pippa was taken to a local vet where she was monitored overnight for signs of bowel obstruction.  No word yet on whether she will “pass” the blockage or require surgery.

Meanwhile a 4 year old is under heavy suspicion of providing the contraband.  She responded “I didn’t do it” during questioning, but may still be liable under the highly controversial “Mama’s Law”, which states that leaving one’s possessions in areas in which they do not belong is tantamount to negligence.  Those charged under “Mama’s Law” may incur time-outs, early bedtimes and loss of various privileges.   The author of “Mama’s Law” maintains its justness, explaining “I’m the one that’s going to have to collect and pick through the dog’s sh*t until this thing’s out.  Would the kids rather do that?”

The children had no comment.

Please stay tuned for updates to this breaking story.