Poor Jerry.  Yesterday he lost his manhood.  And just maybe, his dignity.

The vet came out in one of the coolest pick – up trucks I have ever seen – the bed portion had been made into a mobile vet’s office, complete with water on demand and all of the instruments, medicines and supplies she needed to handle just about anything.  It had been raining all morning so I had to move Jerry into the barn for the procedure – the babies and Milkshakes got to hang out in the chicken tractor, which I had parked over a tarp with clean hay on it.  The vet – Kate – walked into the barn all coolheaded and assured, grabbed that butthead llama and hugged him to her…….and that butthead stood right there with her, calm as can be, while she gave him an injection just above his shoulder.  I cannot say how impressed I was.  She told me he was “gonna be a real sweetie, he just needs to be taught some manners”.  All of my fears that I’d never be able to properly manage him just melted away seeing him respond so quickly to her direction, and she gave me quite a few pointers, assuring me that if I kept at it I’d be able to take him for walks before long.

The sedation drugs worked pretty quickly and she dragged him around where she needed him, gave him a nice eye mask and secured him for his “brain sugery” (hey that was the vet’s comment, not mine….).  It took all of 15 minutes and my manly llama became a gelding; a castrated male.  He’ll no longer be driven by any hormonal urges and will be guaranteed to remain as sweet as he is now.

The bill was $164.  Ok, now that’s a lot of money.  BUT.  Firstly we had been planning this for awhile and were expecting it to be much, much more than this.  Second – it costs me twice that everytime the darn dog or cats have to go to the vet…….and this time the vet came to me. So honestly, I was elated with the price.  Jerry has been far cheaper than any “conventional” animal I have ever owned.  Even his feed costs are less.

But on to the bad makeover portion of the story.

Kate said that the sedation would last a few hours so I could pretty much do whatever I wanted to him while he was “out of it”.  I planned to get him sheared.  Against all better judgment I had purchased a set of hand shears, thinking they’d be easier to use than electric ones (and far, far cheaper) and figured that getting him shorn while drugged would be easier than otherwise.

WRONG.  On both accounts.

A.  He was very drugged but not asleep.  Therefore he was floppy and wobbly and I had to hold him steady with one hand while trying to wield these:

(they got wet in the rain yesterday and rusted right up…..crap).

B.  His fleece was all wet and matted and clumpy and I could not manage to get the shears close enough to his body at an even pace.

C.  I was worried about getting the shears too close and cutting him.

So after starting down his back in a straight line (the idea is to get straight stripes of cutting from the center down) I realized it wasn’t going well.  I had to do a lot of second passes to get the fleece short enough to keep him from overheating but I still couldn’t get a consistent length.  Then I ran out of time – I had to get the girls off the school bus.  I hadn’t gotten nearly enough done, but it looked so bad that I figured I should probably just call in an expert to finish it up properly (notwithstanding the fact that I am almost too embarrassed to let that expert see what I’ve done).

This picture is hilarious for many reasons (now that I am over my need to take a bunch of anxiety meds).  First there’s Jerry’s awful, half-done hair cut.  Then there’s the look on his face.  And in the background…Milkshakes, who has gotten tired of spending all her time in the barn.

I don’t think Jerry is concerned as much with his haircut (or loss of “brains”) so much as he is amused at my epic failure.

This is one of those days where my reason for this blog become apparent.  Someone out there needs to get some enjoyment or a laugh out of my life, because a lot of the time  it’s all I can do not to go batshit crazy and call the men in white coats to take me away.  Days like today I get to feeling like I have no business even getting out of bed,  let alone raising kids and animals.

Still no baby from Milkshakes.  Still checking every few hours and a few times during the night.  I am pretty tired.  It wasn’t a happy experience, therefore, getting woken up early by pounding on the front door.

There was our lovely neighbor, Jack, who has done so much for us the last few years that we have lived here.  Today wasn’t good news.  Today he woke me up to tell me that Jerry was out in the road.

It seems our electric fence isn’t functioning, and for some reason Jerry (who never, ever goes near that blasted fence) decided to barrel on over it.  My guess is that he saw something like a fox or bobcat or what have you (being that the weather’s quite warm and the predators are out in force) and felt the need to scare it off.  At least, that is what makes the most sense, and makes me feel better about the whole situation.  He was doing his job as a guardian……he just went a little too far.

I also need to tell myself he wouldn’t have jumped it if the electric was on.

I found him grazing in the yard across the street and coaxed him almost all the way back into our yard with a scoop of food.

Then he bolted.  I don’t know why.  And after that, nothing would convimce him to come back.

I panicked hard.  He was running fast, and we’re not that far from a major road.  I was also worried about some of the neighbors.  Most people don’t give a second thought to a roaming dog (we have plenty of those in these parts); even a snarling, garbage bag – destroying, pooping all over your garden and chasing your kids  dog doesn’t for some reason seem to concern people the way a harmless, non – biting llama does. I didn’t want anyone shooting him.

I called Susie to get the livestock vet’s number.  They told me to call Animal Control.  I also called a local alpaca farmer. Animal Control showed up with our other neighbor, who happens to work for the sheriff.  Then his wife and kids came out to help.

Two hours and a lot of panic,  running and some alpaca – herding advice later, we had herded him back inside the fence line, where he planted himself and slept hard for several hours.

Then I fixed as much of the downed fence as I could and found that the entire electrical system is shorted out and it’s beyond my knowledge to fix it.  So I went inside, cried a bit in the shower, and found out the dog had peed all over the white playroom carpet.

Just another day in paradise.

Seriously the spider situation right now is out of hand.  I know I have a healthier fear of them than most people, but still.  This whole “90 degrees in the first week of April” thing is certainly not helping.  If it were chillier (like it is supposed to be!) I doubt we’d have so many of them.

Since Milkshakes shows all signs of readiness I have been checking her every few hours or so.  At night it has been a challenge – bugs galore – but tonight I couldn’t even get out the back door due to the spider and beetle condos that have sprung up all over the backdoor.  Then, once I’ve fought my way out to the barn (with gooseflesh and chills still in full effect) I have to squash whatever beast has taken up residence on the door so I can get in to see my goat.  I won’t even tell you the horrors my flashlight has seen on the ground around the barn and in the corners.  I can’t even think about it.  If I didn’t have animals out there I’d be wearing a white spacesuit and blasting the place with Sevin dust.

As for the mommy to be, she has been pawing the ground, panting, pacing, laying on her side with her legs out in awkward positions, and chewing at her sides.  The ligaments at her tailbone are all but “gone” and she’s all bagged up in the udder.  Every expert agrees that these are all good signs of imminent delivery……except these things  have all been true since Friday at least.

I think she just wants to make me crazy.