Monthly Archives: April 2008

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Dog Eats “Something Big & Icky”; Child, 4, Denies Involvement

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An Undated Image of the Offender

Pippa the Dog, a 2 year old golden retriever / Llewellyn setter mix is awaiting treatment after consuming what appears to be a stuffed animal.  Three underage witnesses described the object as “vaguely sock – like”,  “chunky barf with a flower mixed in”, and “gross”.  The offender apparently ate the as yet unidentified object in secrecy at some point in the last few days and regurgitated the item under the dining room table.  Before authorities arrived on the scene the object was re-consumed.  Pippa was taken to a local vet where she was monitored overnight for signs of bowel obstruction.  No word yet on whether she will “pass” the blockage or require surgery.

Meanwhile a 4 year old is under heavy suspicion of providing the contraband.  She responded “I didn’t do it” during questioning, but may still be liable under the highly controversial “Mama’s Law”, which states that leaving one’s possessions in areas in which they do not belong is tantamount to negligence.  Those charged under “Mama’s Law” may incur time-outs, early bedtimes and loss of various privileges.   The author of “Mama’s Law” maintains its justness, explaining “I’m the one that’s going to have to collect and pick through the dog’s sh*t until this thing’s out.  Would the kids rather do that?”

The children had no comment.

Please stay tuned for updates to this breaking story.

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Nitpickers Extraordinaire

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Thank you, yes, we’ve weathered head lice pretty well.  Seems Emily’s the only one in this house to have gotten it.  That didn’t stop it from spreading to Maddie, who managed to be even worse off.  As for the rest of us we get unimaginably itchy just thinking about it.

This week is spring break for the girls so I am enjoying sleeping in and staying up a little later at night without the worry of oversleeping and missing Emily’s bus.

I also managed to make 2 loaves of homemade white bread, a loaf of banana bread, and a batch of Chocolate Chunk Cherry and Pecan Oatmeal Cookies.  What else do you do with a cold and rainy spring weekend?  (You know, besides majorly clean your kids’ rooms and discover a certain 4 year old’s secret stash of stolen objects hidden in a deep dark corner of her closet, the walls of which she has decorated quite extensively with crayon, markers, stickers and your $8 tube of lip gloss)

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Dear Universe,

Ok.  Let’s get it all out in the open.  I watch My Name is Earl.  I know how karma works.  So tell me.  Really?  Have I been that bad?  You had to give my kid head lice?  Now?  With everything else you’re throwing at me you have to send me that as well?  Oh yeah and thanks for the mother of all migraines  you hit me with today.  That was a nice touch.

Incidentally……….now that the writers’ strike is over, when will My Name is Earl be back?????

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“A Big One”

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When my little Mac was just starting to make sentences and absorb the world around her she had her own interpretations of what we’d say that would crack me up.  Some I still use (“joe-mamas instead of pajamas, anyone?), some I’ve forgotten, some I only think of once in awhile.  For example, “a big one”.

a-big-one.jpg

Whenever she saw a spider, she’d say, “A big one!  I saw a big one!”  It didn’t matter if it was huge or so teeny tiny as to be barely visible.  She didn’t know “spider”, she only knew “a big one”.  Probably because I only ever talked about them if they were big.  When Paul got home from work I didn’t bore him with the details of every spider I saw during the day because, quite frankly, we see so many around here that you think I’d be over my fear by now.  So spider conversations around here usually go something like Holy Mary Mother of God I saw A BIG ONE in the shower today!!!!!

Anyway, there is a point to this.  It seems that since we’re all too busy and stressed out around here to play pranks on each other the Universe did it for us a few times these last few days.  I speak of the photo above.  It ain’t real.  That’s a Halloween ring that had fallen under the buffet that we moved to make room for the chest freezer.  So that was Gotcha! number 1.  Hey, at quick glance out of the corner of your eye, tell me that wouldn’t freak you out while moving your dusty old furniture.

Then it got kicked almost under the fridge while I was vacuuming aforementioned  dusty spot and sat there until Neve screamed bloody murder on her way out to the garage.  Gotcha! number 2.  Then Maddie went to check out the source of the scream, and Gotcha! number 3.

So it’s hanging around, giving us all a mild start when it surfaces in various places around the house.  Neve and I have been calling it Steve.  As in, “Oh, it’s ok, it’s just Steve”.

But the weather’s getting warm.  Summer’s coming.  And  I fear that one of these days it won’t be Steve.

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Me, 3 Kids & The Dentist: A Study in Don’ts

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NO, this is NOT an April Fool’s Day put – on.  I drove an hour out to the dentist so Emily could have her tooth finished up.  I brought both the littler girls.  I am a glutton for punishment.

But I was totally prepared!  Crayons!  A coloring book!  A snack bar just in case!  A fully stocked diaper bag!

Yeah.  Oona and Emily both slept the whole way there.  We sat down in the waiting room and the baby woke up, but Emily grumpily shoved her face into the chair cushion, clothing wrinkled and askew, hair crazy, and began to whine “I’m tired”, along with other nonsense moaning and groaning half words every time I tried to speak to her.   Neve got to work coloring her lips purple with the washable markers.  And Oona kept reaching around me into the diaper bag and pulling things out, only to drop them on the floor.  5 minutes after arriving I needed a drink.  We were there for 2 hours.

Emily did fine for the dentist, aside from bitching quite loudly about how tired she was because her naughty little sister keeps sneaking into her room at night to keep her awake.

Oona fussed and fidgeted the whole time, not happy with any of the selection of toys I brought for her to chew on and generally made a mess of the diaper bag.

Neve performed an inspired “I’m hungry and I want to leave NOW” tantrum about an hour in, then kept running around with her hands between her legs yelling that she was going to pee herself (she used their restroom twice).  Then she tried to twirl in the exam room and when told to stop, she chanted “Shimmypoop” over and over, louder and louder until I took her back out to the waiting room.  No, I do not know what “Shimmypoop” means.  When we were finally leaving she dropped her bag of coloring implements and they scattered everywhere, and she threw herself down, exclaiming that she was NOT going to pick them up.

Despite all this – Emily needs to see a specialist.  We’ll have to go back for that.

Folks, don’t try this at home.